A Few Thoughts on… 3 Things I Learned in Therapy

In my previous posts, I wrote about the first time I ever went to see a therapist while I was in grad school, and how I started therapy for good about two years later. This week, I wanted to continue with the same theme and share with you 3 things that I learned from my experience with therapy.

Writing this piece was a learning opportunity for me as well because it made me go back and look at the whole process in a more holistic manner and identify the key takeaways that I gained from it.

So without further ado, here are the 3 things that I learned in my therapeutic journey.

Photo Credit: Annie Spratt, unsplash.com

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Your childhood experiences shape your adult life, probably even more than you think

This is a cliché, but it is also one of the most important facts of human psychology.

One key realization that I reached through therapy was the fact that underlying most of the sadness, frustration, or unhappiness that I experienced in my life was a deep-seated feeling of not being enough and not being worthy of love, happiness, or kindness. Moreover, at some point along the way, I eventually formed this unconscious belief that I had to be the best of the best to even have a shot at deserving love, kindness, and compassion.

These unconscious belief patterns manifested themselves in various ways. For instance, no matter what I have achieved, whether it was graduating from one of the best high schools in Turkey, receiving a “Distinction” for my Master’s, or completing my PhD, I could never be satisfied. Nothing was enough to make me content and be at peace with myself. Moreover, I was overly sensitive to rejection or “failure,” whether it was a negative decision letter from a grant application or the end of a relationship, which put my sense of being “not enough” or “not worthy” in overdrive.

Over time, however, I came to realize that these were symptoms of a larger and deeper issue: the fact that there was a void inside me that no amount of success, money, or outside approval would be able to fill. Even if I ended up becoming the best historian that ever lived, even if I became a billionaire, or found the perfect life partner, I would still be miserable because that void would still be there.

The root cause of this void was the emotional neglect that I experienced in my childhood. Simply put, my emotional needs as a child were not met. Although my parents loved me in their own way, they did not or could not provide the unconditional love and emotional support that I needed as a young kid. As a result, I came to instinctively believe that to be able to receive the love and kindness that I deserved, I had to “perform” and, not surprisingly, carried these unconscious beliefs into my adult life. Once I became conscious of this fact, however, and saw how my childhood traumas continued to affect almost every domain of my adult life, I could take a clearer look at my behavior patterns and work on them accordingly.

I know that a lot of people shy away from exploring their childhood. They worry that it may lead them to face some unpleasant things that are best left as they are or because they are afraid that their relationships with their parents would be strained. This is one of the most common reasons that I see around me for why people look unfavorably upon starting therapy. And I understand. I am certainly still working on the process of forgiving my parents and letting the anger go. I also know, however, that unless I process and work through my childhood experiences, I will never be able to reach a sense of peace in my adult life. My childhood was not my fault. But it is my responsibility to deal with it as best as I can so that I can grow as a human being.

You must discover and accept your own core values

In one of my early sessions with my therapist, he pointed out to me that I had internalized a lot of my parents’, especially my father’s, value systems. The thing I needed to do was to define my core values and disentangle them from the ones I had instinctively acquired from my parents.

The good thing was that I actually have always done this on some level. For instance, while my father wanted me to build a career in finance or corporate life after I graduated from college and make a lot of money, I followed my interests and worked towards obtaining a Ph.D. in history. In a sense, I knew that pursuing and producing knowledge was more important for me than chasing money for money’s sake, and I tried to align my life according to this belief system.

The problem was, on a deeper, subconscious level, I was in doubt about my own choices. Especially in periods of uncertainty, I had crises of faith and questioned whether I should have simply gotten a corporate job, etc… and led a more “conventional” life. This created a cognitive dissonance and made me frustrated and angry about myself and my life. It also led me to live in the past which I saw at the time simply as a string of bad decisions that I had taken over the years. I felt like a failure. What’s worse is that deep down, I was afraid that I would not be able to live up to the expectations of my parents and would end up disappointing them.  

Once I started to accept my values and the choices I had made, though, it created a space for me where I could actually imagine a more fulfilling life. It literally took me years, but I gradually came to see the decisions I have taken in a more positive light and tried to actively seek the opportunities that I may have ahead of me rather than dwell too much on the past. This certainly does not mean that I am there 100% and it is still almost a daily struggle, but I am more at peace with myself and with my path than I was ever before.

It is a long and complex process

As I wrote last week, I first started therapy at the end of a very difficult period of my life. At the time, I did not know how long it would last but if you had told me then that I would be still at it more than 5 years later, my reaction would probably have been two-fold: 1) I would have told you that you are out of your damn mind 2) I would be extremely depressed, thinking “Is my condition that fucking bad?” Yet here I am.

Therapy, especially talk therapy, is a long process. There is no shortcut, no silver bullet, no magic pill. It required me to be consistent, show up week after week, and face my emotions and experiences. Even for me, who is nothing if not consistent with these kinds of things, it was daunting.

What is more, it can be a very convoluted and frustrating endeavor. At times, I felt like I kept talking about the same thing over and over again, without reaching any clear resolutions. I remember that, in one of my sessions, I vented about how I felt like I was constantly going over the same damn things, like a dog chasing its tail, while my therapist gently pointed out that what I felt was natural and a part of the process. It did not help with my frustration at the time, but eventually, I came to see that he was right. 

Finally, similar to every long-term undertaking, therapy has its ups and downs. In the 5 years, while I was in therapy, I went through a number of very rough patches. There were times when I felt hopeless about ever getting better and even thought about quitting the whole thing. The more I stuck with it, though, the less frequently I experienced my darker moods. And even if I did end up going through tough periods, it just became easier for me to get out of them.

While I was working on this piece, I came across an interview on a podcast where the guest pointed out that healing is a never-ending process. If I had heard this a couple of years ago, it would have made me desperate. Now, though, I kind of agree with her. What is more, I can even rejoice in what she says. Yes, my therapy process will one day come to an end but over the years I came to see the healing and growing as a life-long project. The important thing is to be able to teach myself to focus on the journey, on the process, and see where it leads rather than being stuck trying to reach a definite goal.